Why He Never Called You Back

November 10, 2010

It’s Always Great in the Beginning

A few years ago I met this guy online who I was completely taken with from the very beginning. Under normal circumstances he and I would never have met, he was out of my age range and had a daughter just starting college, but he responded to my ad and I liked him right away. He was easy-going, gregarious, and friendly, I knew we would hit it off.

First Date Chemistry

We were eager to meet each other so we had our first date a few days later. He was exactly who I thought he’d be, the same personality he communicated in his e-mails and on the phone was the same in the form of the man standing in front of me. We had great chemistry from that initial awkward hello at the beginning of a first date until the last moment. We strolled around the city for a couple of hours talking and getting to know each other and finally settled on a quaint Italian restaurant on the East Side. We shared a bottle of wine and talked, laughed and shared heartaches well into the morning. He made breakfast and we chatted some more over eggs and orange juice, he did not want me to leave. In fact his daughter was due to arrive in a couple of hours and he wanted me to meet her, but I declined and went on my way.

So he didn’t call back

By the time I got home he had already e-mailed me, so I was really looking forward to the second date. I sent him a reply, but something odd happened, our chemistry and fire went cold. He never responded to the e-mail I sent. I called him a few days later but he didn’t return my call. I left him alone after that but I was angry, hurt and reeling on the inside. I knew we both felt the chemistry between us, so this was a bit more complicated than “he just wasn’t that into me”, but nevertheless he had completely disappeared. I never understood why he did what he did, so I did my best to move on and let it go.

Answers, Finally

Fast forward almost two years later; he e-mailed me not long after the painful break-up of my long-term relationship, so you can Imagine my surprise when I saw his name pop up in my inbox. I was torn between wanting to curse him out for walking away with no explanation and wanting to see him again. So I asked him why he disappeared on me and his response was “I was seriously unprepared for an adult relationship with you”. Now whether or not what he said was actually true was totally inconsequential, what was important to me was the fact that him not calling me back was about him and not me. I saw him a few times after that, but nothing ever materialized but it was ok, I was able to walk away with a peace of mind and more importantly, closure.

Closure, Closure, Closure

I believe one of the main reasons why so many women hold on to men and relationships past is because they never had any closure. If you feel an honest connection with a man and he tells you he’s going to call you, what possible reason would you have to believe otherwise? This is yet another example of men behaving badly and then blaming the woman for being upset. I don’t care how long you’ve been dating someone, if you’re not interested or if he’s not interested in you he should tell you to your face, and I don’t blame you for pushing him for a reason. So many men are lazy these days, they are often allowed to make a mess in a woman’s life without cleaning it up and we excuse the behavior and fault ourselves for wanting a reason.

If you leave a date and you’re not sure if there was chemistry or a connection made and he doesn’t say that he’ll call, I would assume he won’t call. But If a man doesn’t call you back when he says he will, by all means inquire.  It doesn’t mean he’ll be a man of integrity and tell you the truth, but it’s worth the effort to find out.

Leave a comment and let me hear your thoughts.

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  1. Mel says:

    Girl, this exact thing happened to me! Went on a couple dates, even talked back and forth afterwards. Then he just up and disappeared. Would not return texts or phone calls. The weirdest thing was it literally happened in the middle of a text conversation. Then he came back for a day and gave some sort of excuse, apologized for disappearing and I’ll be damned if he didn’t just turn around and disappear again! You are so right about questioning ourselves. To this day (granted it’s only been a few weeks since this happened) I’m still like WTH happened. If you’re not interested, just tell me. I promise I won’t fall to pieces.

    • Trenia Parham says:

      Mel, I really hate it that his happened to you. I think some of these men think women will fall apart if they tell the truth, but they don’t seem to realize having a firm ending is just better for everyone, regardless of what the reason is. I hope you will be able to find the closure you need so you can move on, but I know it’s not easy.

  2. Keli says:

    WOW! Good for you. I’m glad that you got the closure you needed. You are absolutely right! Some men just disappear and act like we as women are crazy for wanting to know what happened! Getting that closure and/or answers is crucial and it’s so rare to have happen. But when it does, it feels great to know.

    • Trenia Parham says:

      Keli, I know closure is rare these days and it’s such a shame because we deserve better. I don’t know where all of this went wrong but men need to fix it. And then they wonder why some crazy woman decided to key their car. I don’t advocate violence, but I’m just saying, it happens.

  3. Janet says:

    I know what you mean with this, because it happened to me but it was actually worse! I met him online and we started to talk. We exchanged e-mails and probably emailed each other everyday for 1 week then decided to meet up for a drink. (during which we exchanged phone numbers and started to text everyday) so about a week after texting we met up for a drink and had wonderful chemistry! we both didn’t realize we been talking for hours upon hours. So when the night was done and he dropped me off, he texted me immediatly saying he had a great time. After that we made plans to go to a dinner/movie the next week. And AGAIN chemistry wonderful..then something awful happened. He walked me to my door and i leaned in for a kiss and he kind of backed away – it was awkward – then after i was inside i got another text from him saying he had another great time and that he’s sorry for the awkwardness and that i just make him nervous. We texted everyday (sometimes for hours at a time) after that and made plans but they always fell through, eventually the texting on his end came to a slow hault and I wish i knew why! we never talk anymore, it’s been almost 2 months since we hung out. I just don’t understand what went wrong you know? we had so much in common and the same views and just great chemistry. I wish I had closure.

    • Trenia Parham says:

      I’m really sorry that happened to you, he owed you better than that. The reality is nobody is a mind reader, so if this guy wasn’t feeling you or if he decided he wasn’t interested all he had to do was tell you. Some of these men give more notice before leaving a job than they do when leaving a dating relationship. It’s never easy to deal with men who come off as charming and interested at first only to turn out to be a cowardly mess, but just know that all you can ever do in a relationship is show up and be your most authentic self.

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