Dating in Your Discomfort Zone

June 14, 2013

Get Ready for Love: A Single Ladies’ Dating Strategy Saturday, June 29, 2013

If you’re in the NYC area, join me live for this one-day event. Time to get you ready for love so you can meet the man who’s right for you and know what to do until he shows up. Click here to get tickets or for more details.

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Dating in Your Discomfort Zone

I have a confession to make. I use online dating as a crutch, but that’s not the confession. My confession is I primarily do online dating these days because I have lost some of my confidence, my swag if you will, when it comes to meeting men in person due to re-gaining weight. I won’t go into the whole sorted tale about how I feel about my weight, but I was pretty much a curvy, fat girl most of my life. I knew I was fat, which I didn’t always like, but I loved the shape and curve of my body.

Anyway, many years ago, after my grandmother died of diabetes complications I knew I needed to get my health together. It took me a while to finally commit to weight loss, but once I found a regimen that worked for me I lost 100lbs in 11 months. I treated weight loss like a job and it worked. I kept the weight off for close to three years and during that time, I met the man that I’d hoped to marry.

But I hit a rough patch. A very rough patch.

In the span of 6 months my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, that guy broke up with me, I was in a car accident, and I sustained an injury that prevented me from running and doing all of the things that kept me active. I could hardly walk, let alone exercise, I was worried sick about my mom and I had a broken heart. And slowly over the course of a couple of years I pretty much gained all of the weight back. But something interesting happened to me. Re-gaining the weight completely altered how I felt about how I looked for the worse, which seemed strange to me because I’d been a big girl much longer than I had been a smaller size; I wasn’t feeling great. I continued online dating and met some nice men but I was very reluctant to approach anyone in person, even though men were chatting me up face-to-face.

But as uncomfortable as it makes me feel, I’ve decided to take down my online profile for the summer and limit all of my man scouting expeditions to offline activities. I’m nervous, and even though my confidence has taken a blow I accept myself as I am, my diminished confidence and all. Because what I know for sure is I am whole and deserving of good love right now.

So what does this have to do with you? Date as you are right now. Whether you’re fat, have adult acne, think you’re too old, or anything else that you want to change or wish were different. Allow yourself to feel how you’re feeling and put yourself out there even if you’re not in a perfect place. Life is never going to be perfect, so you might as well date in your discomfort zone.  

Are you willing to date in your discomfort zone? Leave a comment and share your thoughts.


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  1. Nikki says:

    I am willing I just don’t know where to start. Where are the single men? Wish I could make it on the 29th!

    • Trenia says:

      Don’t make it overly complicated. There’s no one right place where all the great men hang out and somebody just forgot to tell you. It starts with going where the men are, any kind of event, Meetup, etc…and a willingness to be seen.

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