Blurred Lines: Sex & Dating

June 28, 2013

How to Find Love This Summer

There’s still time to get your tickets for the Summer Lovin’ party on Tuesday, July 16th. This is your opportunity to mix and mingle with some interesting men and get some on the spot dating advice and wing woman support from me. If meeting a new man this summer is on your vision board or part of your summer fun plan, this is the place to do it. Get your tickets here.

 

Blurred Lines: Sex & Dating

There’s been a lot of talk the past couple of weeks about Robin Thicke’s video, Blurred Lines. Check it out here I actually thought the video was hot (I love how TI’s dance reminds me of my great uncle), but critics¬† say it blurred too many lines between sexism, nudity and the objectification of women. In the video all of the women are pretty much naked, while all of the men are fully clothed. Regardless of how you feel about the video, it brings up an interesting point about the blurred lines of sexuality and dating. On the one hand, you want to be seen as attractive and sexually desirable by your love interest, while simultaneously having your boundaries and limits respected. You want to be able to move at your own pace, whether fast or slow.

Now, let me just state for the record there is never a reason or rationale for a man to touch, rape or force a woman to do anything she doesn’t want to do. I don’t care if you’re both butt naked and he’s putting a condom on, there’s no excuse. If you say no or change your mind in mid-sexual act, any decent man will stop. No man has the right to force you, but you must also exercise some wisdom in any given situation; use common sense, especially if you’re by yourself. We can protest all we want about how men shouldn’t rape, and teaching men and boys not to rape or ogle a woman is part of a larger societal issue that must be addressed on a massive scale. But you must take personal responsibility for your own safety. Of course this does not guarantee that a woman won’t be raped, but it will significantly decrease the chances.

But let’s set that aside for a moment.

Assuming both people want it, and let’s be honest, women want sex too, and that means things could go either way. This happens a lot in club settings when everyone is partying, having a good time and really feeling the music. The truth is some women like to be sexually dominated and prefer men to take the lead, and there’s that fine line between being objectified in a way that you don’t like and pushing the boundaries of your sexuality. I am not the sexuality police, so I’m not interested in what’s going on in anyone’s bedroom but my own, as long as the two people involved are consenting adults. But you have to open yourself up to this somewhat taboo conversation: sometimes women like sexual blurred lines when we want to get some; and we must consider our desires in the context of the rape culture that we’re living in. Our world is still so stuck in this Madonna/Whore paradigm that we haven’t figured out how to talk about the blurred lines that goes down between consenting adults in the larger context of the sexual degradation that happens in society.

So, how can you begin to bridge the gap between your own sexual blurred lines and the blurred lines in the larger society?

  1. Take responsibility for your own sexuality and when, where and how you use it.
  2. Expect men to respect your boundaries and be prepared to reinforce them
  3. If you’re dating someone and you want it to be more than a booty call or one night stand, get to know each other before you jump into bed.
  4. If you’re having casual sex, be safe and make sure your safety radar is working. When you see a man you’re attracted to, the very next thing you need to be paying attention to is whether or not you feel safe with this man. Follow whatever your gut tells you.
  5. Look out for your friends. I’m not saying you need to be anyone’s babysitter, but everyone doesn’t exercise wisdom. So be smart and pay attention.

What are your thoughts on sexual blurred lines? Leave a comment and share your thoughts.

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4 Comments

  1. Danielle says:

    Love this.

    I believe there is a difference between being sexy and sexual. I see confidence as sexy but that does not necessarily translate to sexual activity. And I know of examples where lots of sexual activity doesn’t translate into that person feeling sexy.

    Yes the lines are blurry, and it’s not easy or practical to set one hard fast rule for every woman, but I think the importance is in setting personal boundary lines and choosing when & how we want to flexible with them or not, going along with what you said in Tip #2.

    I enjoyed this. It made me think about my own lines and boundaries. Thanks for starting this discussion.

    • Trenia says:

      Yes, the distinction between being sexy and sexual is so important. Knowing your own boundaries is where it starts.

  2. Danielle says:

    And now I can get my 2 step on. THANK YOU for including the video :)

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