Do You Need A Lobotomy to Attract A Man?

July 12, 2013

How to Find Love This Summer

There’s still time to get your tickets for the Summer Lovin’ party on Tuesday, July 16th. This is your opportunity to mix and mingle with some interesting men and get some on the spot dating advice and wing woman support from yours truly. If meeting a new man this summer is on your vision board or part of your summer fun plan, this is the place to do it. Get your tickets here.

You won’t need a lobotomy for love

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“For no matter how badly we want to love or be loved, we cannot alter our basic nature and survive inside, when it counts”. –Mark Nepo

As a dating + love coach, I read tons of blogs, books, and articles about dating, men, love and relationships. And I’m always amazed at some of the suggestions given to women about how to meet a man and date him. Many of those dating tips seem to point all women down the same path, as though every woman is going to become (or even wants to be) some charming, outgoing socialite that commands attention in every room, with Kerry Bradshaw’s shoe collection. Well, let me set you free right now, it’s not happening. Wallflowers aren’t suddenly going to become the life of the party, and women aren’t all of a sudden going to love wearing dresses and heels when they prefer yoga pants and sneakers. Women lose so much valuable time trying to be something that they’re not to meet the right man. And while her efforts may help her meet someone in the short-term, it will ultimately be something she can’t sustain, and the new guy will start to wonder why she changed?

I dated a man on and off for a few years, trying to be something in the relationship that I knew I wasn’t. Now, I use the term “dated” very loosely. It was more like, we got together here and there, had a romantic escapade, I would start to get attached and he would disconnect. Some months would pass, then rinse and repeat.

When I finally said goodbye for the last time, I realized I was trying to be this woman who was okay with being in a casual relationship. I tried my best to just be with him in the moment and not worry about whether or not I would see him again or if we would finally have the relationship I wanted, but it didn’t work for me. And he never changed. He showed up the same casual way, each and every time, and I tried my hardest to follow his lead, but I wasn’t being true to myself. I need love, commitment and intimacy and I was not going to have that with him. It was hard to walk away because I genuinely enjoyed spending time with him, but in the end it wasn’t enough and I had to stop pretending and make space for what I truly wanted.

You don’t need to get a lobotomy to find love, meaning there’s no need to drastically alter your character or personality to meet a great guy. That doesn’t mean that you won’t continue growing and becoming a better version of yourself each and everyday, but you are capable of having the love you desire being who you are. You also get to choose the best way for you to date. Do you prefer online dating, speed dating, asking your friends to hook you up; stalking acquaintances on Facebook? Whatever. But please remember that people meet and find love in different ways, and it’s not just reserved for the outgoing and charismatic.

Have you tried to completely alter yourself or change your personality to meet a man? Leave a comment  and share your experience.

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