August 2, 2013
My favorite TV show of all time is the Golden Girls. I watch it when it comes on TV even though I own the complete series. If you don’t know much about the show, Sophia is the old one, Dorothy (my favorite) is the smart one, Rose is the naïve one, and Blanche is the sexy one. In one episode, a man from Rose’s past looks her up, but she can’t remember his name. When she finally recounts how she met him, she remembered that she had 56 boyfriends the year she dated him. Blanche was completely beside herself, and couldn’t believe that Rose had that much male attention. Then Rose says something very interesting, “just because you have a boyfriend doesn’t mean you have to go all the way”.
This episode brings up two very important points:
1. You don’t have to sleep with every man you date
2. You don’t have to go out with every man who asks you
I’m not prudish when it comes to sex, and as a dating & love coach, I talk about it quite openly. I don’t like telling women what they can and can’t do with their bodies, but you do not have to sleep with every man you date, especially if you’re a serial dater.
Dating can be a lot of fun, that is if you keep your expectations in check, and can relinquish the feeling that sex is automatically attached. But there is a much more serious issue that can easily hide underneath a fun, sexually open, serial dater’s exterior: not knowing how to pick the right kind of man. It’s sort of like throwing spaghetti against the wall to see what sticks. When a potential client tells me that she never has a problem meeting men or getting dates, it almost always follows that her picker is broken.
What’s typically underneath saying yes to every possible date and sleeping with every man who asks you out is the feeling that you could be missing out on someone really great if you turn him down. But here’s the thing, most men you meet are going to be wrong for you. Now, that doesn’t mean that you can’t date and have a good time, especially if you’ve just gotten out of a long-term relationship and you want to date around for a while. But it’s perfectly ok to exercise some wisdom and discernment when deciding with whom you want to spend your time and share your body. Saying yes to every man, having a string of bad dates, having awesome sex in the beginning that quickly fizzles out or constantly going out with men who aren’t a good fit can cause dating fatigue, and then you wonder why dating makes you so tired and frustrated.
I teach my clients how to create a general framework and criteria for the kind of men they want to meet. So they can stop wasting their time with men who won’t be a good fit. Now, we’ve all heard those wonderful love stories about how two complete and total opposites fell in love and they’ve been happily married for 25 years. But think about how many of those opposites attract stories you’ve heard that actually worked out. Why don’t you count them?
Go ahead, I’ll wait.
My guess is not many. I believe there is more than one person out there who would be a good match for you, but it’s someone who shares the same values and has a similar vision for his life as you. So why keep dating and spinning your wheels with the mismatched men in group 1, when all of your potential mates are in group 2?
Are you a serial dater who keeps meeting the wrong men? Leave a comment, I’d love to hear from you.