Did Love Kill the Bachelorette?

August 16, 2013

gia allemand photo credit

I Used to Love The Bachelor

You probably don’t know this about me, but I used to be obsessed with the TV show The Bachelor. It was always so clear to me that they were picking the wrong woman, but it gave me a little more insight, and confirmed some of the things I already knew about how some men pursue women and love. I lost interest after the first few seasons, but I was really intrigued by the spinoff show Bachelor Pad. The premise of the spinoff was to have a group of the most popular Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants live in the same house, in the midst of weekly games, random hookups, and voting people off until it was down to one winner of the house.

At first glance, the Bachelor Pad was nothing more than a bunch of really attractive people causing embarrassment and having high school-like crushes on other house members, but there was a lot more to the story. That’s when I first saw Gia Allemand. She was a pretty young woman, everyone in the house always talked about how attractive she was, but she always seemed overly dramatic and a little troubled to me, but I grew to like her. Well, Gia died yesterday at the age of 29; it’s rumored that she committed suicide.

Finding Love but Not Loving Yourself

I don’t know all the specifics about what happened, but there are some lessons that we can learn from Gia.

Lesson #1

Gia helps to dispel the myth that you have to have everything aligned on the inside or love yourself completely before you meet a man or can get into a relationship. From what I understand, Gia moved to New Orleans before she died, to be with her boyfriend who plays in the NBA.

You need to love yourself. Period. But don’t fall into the trap of thinking if you don’t have all of your emotional baggage worked out that you can’t meet someone who’s right for you. It’s. Not. True. You need to be about the business of releasing your baggage for your own sake, but that doesn’t preclude your from meeting the right person. Being able to meet the right guy is a combination of timing, being seen, and accepting who you are for where you are, that doesn’t always mean you love yourself perfectly.

So, here you have this woman, Gia, who was seemingly perfect in every way American society deems a woman to be perfect: pretty, thin, petite, likable, in a relationship with a wealthy man, and she still opted out of this life. She quit.

Looking and feeling your best is important, doing things to attract male attention in healthy ways that are conducive to your real personality is important if you want to meet someone, and we all do it. We all want other people to find us interesting and attractive, but it is not the end all be all. It is one small part of a much larger equation. If you are feeling unloved, unworthy, or broken on the inside, it won’t matter how good you look or what kind of man you attract. He might make you feel better initially and provide you with some distraction, but you will eventually have to go within as soon as you realize that he won’t be able to heal your brokenness or fill you up.

Lesson #2
Look, love is ultimately an inside job. That’s why obsessing over what he’s thinking about you, why he never called you back, or if he’s The One is secondary to how you feel on the inside. Now, please don’t misunderstand me, when you’re in a healthy, loving relationship you need to be concerned about that the other person is thinking and feeling. Relationships are all about giving to the other person, and often times you have to think about their needs above your own. When you’re in relationship you can’t just think about yourself all the time, you have someone else to consider. But all of those wonderful feelings that you feel when you’re with a man you really like will be fleeting, if you don’t have any real love or happiness on the inside to anchor you or if you breakup. I say this all the time, but one of my favorite quotes about marriage is “marriage isn’t supposed to make you happy, marriage is supposed to make you married.” Please hear me.

Gia’s death was sad and tragic. It’s having an affect on me. I didn’t know her, but I feel sad about it. There’s so much I didn’t know at 29 that I know now that has made my life so much better, I wish she had that same opportunity. But her life took another turn.

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