Do You Know When to Call or Text a Guy?

August 30, 2013

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I get a ton of questions all the time about when to call or text a man, and I want to lay a few things out that you should consider before calling or texting anyone you’re dating.

First of all, I know that having a conversation over text is incredibly convenient, but it’s not really conducive to building a relationship with someone you’re dating.

Remember this: all dating and relating happens in person.

What usually happens when you have extensive conversations over text is you start getting comfortable with a man, thinking that you know him creating the simulation of a relationship, and he hasn’t even asked you on a date. So many of my clients have told me stories about how they had these long and involved text message conversations with some guy they met, only to be frustrated in the end because he never calls or asked them for a date. I know it’s easy to get caught up, but don’t let yourself fall into this trap.

When you’re dating or first meet someone, texting should be used to say a simple “hello”, to tell each other you’re going to be late, ask what time the movie starts, or to say “I hope you’re having a great day”. The only caveat to the whole conversation via text is if all systems in the dating relationship are already up and running on a consistent basis. Meaning, he calls and reaches out to you to setup regular dates and consistently follows through.

I know this might sound old-fashioned but, have a conversation over the phone/Skype or in person. I love technology and the convenience of it all as much as the next person, but nothing can replace a phone call or in person communication. And for goodness sake, don’t get into an argument or long difficult conversations with anyone over text or e-mail. I have a friend who I text with, and when something serious or important comes up she’ll say “too much to text”. Just keep that phrase in mind.

The second thing you must consider when thinking about texting or calling a guy are your own sensibilities and attachments to his potential response or lack thereof. If you’re the kind of woman who really is detached from how a new man you’re dating responds to you, if you’re dating more than one man at a time, and if how he communicates and when is no big deal, I wouldn’t worry about it so much. But don’t pretend you’re this way if you’re not.

If you’re the kind of woman who has the potential to obsess and analyze every detail and everything he says and does, I highly recommend waiting for him to take the lead on communication until a commitment is made. Here’s what that looks like in real life: if you have a date with a guy and he says he’ll call you or if he says he wants to see you again, wait for him to contact you. Don’t try to control or manipulate the situation by reaching out to him first or frantically texting him because you didn’t hear back from him after your first date.

When texting, be sure to keep your responses light and friendly, but direct. If you had a great time on the date, tell him. Once he’s established communication with you and he’s asking you out regularly, it’s perfectly fine to initiate a call or text to say a quick “hello” or “hope you’re having a great day”. And if you’re still confused, check out this “Should I Text Him? flowchart.
What’s been your experience with texting/calling a guy? Leave a comment and share.

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  1. tiffani says:

    i met a guy through a mutual friend a week ago. he was flirting with me and told my friend he was interested. my friend ask if she could give him my phone number. i told her yes. i called him ( a week after meeting him) but the phone rand and i did not leave a message. what you think?

    • Trenia says:

      Hi Tiffani, thanks for stopping by. As a point of clarification, how did you get his number and what made you decide to call him instead of letting him call you? But since you called him and he has your number, I would give him the chance to reach out to you. But here’s the thing: when somebody is interested in you, there’s no need to wait to contact them. Either it’s moving and happening and a connection is being made or it’s not happening. I wouldn’t worry about it, let it go and move on, but you can always stay open and be willing to talk to him if he does call. Let go of any attachment you might have to a specific outcome from your actions or him expressing interest in you.

  2. Shae says:

    Hi I met this guy on New Year’s Eve, he seemed interested that evening. He basked for my number and also asked me to go on a date with him during the week. He hardly texts during the day, but I don’t want feel desperate or over reacting. I’m scared what could happen. Even though Ive been single for nearly 2 years.

    • Trenia says:

      My guess is what you’re really scared of is the fact that you met someone new with promise, but he’s not following through. If he said he’ll call you, take him at his word and give him a chance to reach out to you. That means no reaching out to him first. And if he doesn’t call or ask you out, you’ll know he wasn’t serious. I know it’s frustrating, but don’t jump the gun or try to control the situation. If he doesn’t do what he said he would do, move on.

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