September 6, 2013
Do you ever feel weighed down or pressured by all of the suggestions given to you about how to find and keep a man?
I know I do.
Even as a dating coach who’s out here dating, I find all of the advice so frustrating and tune most people out. I’ve even stopped reading all of the posts on Facebook and Twitter from armchair psychologists and the “I’m just trying to help” friends who mean well, but think they’ve had a brilliant moment of clarity when it comes to men and dating, and want to share it with everyone.
And just so you know, I’m not some amateur armchair dating coach, dispensing regurgitated dating advice, I actually have an academic background with a Master’s degree in Social Work. I’ve done everything from crisis counseling for survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault to the dating coaching I provide my clients to help them heal from past broken relationships and meet the right person. I’ve been reading, writing and studying the topic of love, dating, and relationships for almost 15 years. All of that coupled with having done my own healing work and the lessons I’ve learned from my own dating experience allows me to write to you each week and to help women find love. www.lovetrenia.com is not amateur hour.
Great, now that we got that out of the way.
The Performance Phenomenon
There’s a trend of women feeling the need to constantly perform or jump through hoops to be in a relationship with a man. It’s the sinking feeling that you get from watching too many dating shows or trying to change something about yourself every time you hear or read a suggestion someone makes about how to meet Mr. right.
Everywhere you turn someone is trying to sell you on the latest beauty or anti-aging product, because God knows men don’t like women who look their age (that’s sarcasm). I even came across an article the other day that was written by a man telling women how men prefer them to wear their hair. I’m not going to link to it, but there were several comments made by women on the article, so clearly this man has an audience for his tomfoolery. And all because so many women don’t believe they can find love just as they are, thinking that every broken man who writes a blog and has an opinion is going to show them the way to the love they’ve been waiting for all these years. I don’t blame these women for looking for answers, but it’s heartbreaking, really.
When you’re caught up in the Performance Phenomenon, you try to demonstrate to him how worthy you are of love by doing things like dressing exactly the way he likes without taking your own personal style and taste into consideration. Or the pressure you feel to keep every aspect of the relationship new and fresh all the time or he’s going to get bored with you. So if you don’t dress like you just stepped off the runway or have sex like a pornstar, he won’t want to be with you. Or if he’s with you, he won’t stay.
This, in my opinion, is where men need the most help and everyone needs a reality check about dating and love. People are terrible at predicting what will make them happy in relationships. That means a man can say he’ll only date a woman with a certain look, that is until he meets a woman in real life who makes him laugh and feel good who looks nothing like his ideal woman.
All the hoop jumping to get a man is absolutely maddening. You don’t need to pretend or perform to get his attention, and if you do, I’d call his character and ability to sustain a long-term relationship into question. And this is very important to understand, if a man expects you to be something other than the best version of who you are right now, dump him. I’m not talking about the best version of yourself 25lbs from now or after yet another self-improvement project or spiritual retreat. Right now.
Dating as yourself can be a little bit scary, especially if you constantly compare yourself to other women or take in opinions from emotionally unhealthy men doling out dating advice.
Look, you’re trying to meet and build a relationship with someone who’s going to love and be there for you for life. That’s going to be hard to do trying to be something that you’re not. I’m here to help you get back in touch with that part of yourself that you may have forgotten about so you can have a good, healthy loving relationship and know what it looks like when it comes along. But what you need to make good love happen is already inside of you.
Have you experienced the Performance Phenomenon? Leave a comment and share.