September 13, 2013
“I didn’t think we had a future together.”
Those were my ex-boyfriend’s parting words to me. No further explanation, no details, just those words. This was the man I was making long-term plans with, the man I wanted to marry, and that one sentence led to the unraveling of my dream. The door to my heart closed after that, and I became an emotional recluse for over a year. I kept banging my head against the wall trying to dissect and figure out what he meant, but no answer I came up with ever felt satisfying enough.
It would take me another year and a half to accept the fact that our relationship was really over and to start dating again. The relationship lasted 13 months and it took me almost 3 years to get over it. And it wasn’t until the smoke cleared, that I was able to see that our break-up was sooo textbook, from everything he said to me to the emotionally inconsolable way I reacted, and the desperate attempts I made to get him back. I had never loved anyone the way I loved him, I had never even thought about getting married before I met him, so needless to say, I took it really hard.
And, p.s. I Hate endings.
I remember when I reached the point that some of my close friends began to tire of hearing me re-hash the stories about my ex and how I felt about the break-up.The people in my life were too tactful to say to me “you still haven’t let go of that guy yet?” But their disinterest was quite clear. To be fair, a few friends let me talk their ear off until I was ok with things, but there were a couple who were getting sick of hearing the story, and at some point I started to get on my own nerves. But I’m a talker, that’s how I work shit out.
Trouble letting go is not a social disease
It is not some kind of social disease to take as long as you need to get over someone, whether you dumped the man or got dumped. I don’t like it when people tell women things like “he’s just not that into you” or to just “let go and move on” as though it will make it any easier. Now, there are some things you need to do when a relationship ends like stopping all contact and at some point you’ll need to stop regurgitating the old stories and just sit with it. But that doesn’t make it easy. Even if someone cheats or hurts you in some other way, that doesn’t mean you’re able to get over it any faster. The circumstance or reasons behind a break-up don’t make your feelings or love any less valid.
My heartache eventually led to introspection and reflection, and I was able to see the value of that relationship and the lessons that he taught me. And what felt like a very tragic end at the time to a relationship that I so earnestly wanted to work, turned out to be a major catalyst in the creation of my business as a dating and love coach.
So what changed for me?
I learned how to hold and accept the truth of what it meant to love someone who no longer wanted to be with me. I didn’t push away my feelings or make my ex the villain in the story (although it was tempting). And I started to believe that love was possible again.
Maybe you’ve been hurt, dumped or had to let go of someone that you really cared about or loved, but please know that the outcome of the relationship does not invalidate your feelings. Honor your feelings because they are yours, learn to hold and accept them.
For some reason this song reminds me of relationship endings, and then without warning hope can be restored.
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