January 17, 2014
If your man or love interest is acting raggedy, the short answer is cut him loose.
Raggedy, for the purpose of this article, is defined as: triflin’, can’t keep it in his pants, not in good condition (I got that from Merriam-Webster), dishonest, disloyal, deliberately deceitful…I could go on, but I think you get the point.
The Raggedy Male Celebrity
There’s been a lot of stories floating around in the media the past couple of weeks about raggedy men, from Dwyane Wade and Ludacris’ “break babies” to Dean McDermott cheating on Tori Spelling. I saw the cover of US Weekly yesterday, and Tori Spelling was on the cover with captions that were all about her uncovering more of her husband’s lies and deceit. And what’s annoying about it is whether the media is blaming the woman or not for her man’s raggedy behavior, they always lay the story at her feet, but that’s what most people do. Now, granted, Tori Spelling on the cover of a magazine is going to sell more copies than her lesser known husband, but putting her on the cover spins the story all around her heartbreak, frustration and disappointment and away from how badly he treated her.
Women are always blamed and held responsible when her man doesn’t act right, as though he’s not culpable in any way and has no responsibility. But that’s not just reserved for celebrities, when a man acts raggedy, whether he’s famous or not, the woman gets the blame.
I try not to fall into the easy trap of critiquing celebrity relationships, mainly because they are human beings who experience hurt like everyone else and we never know the whole story. However, I do believe that we can glean lessons from their experiences and public behavior.
What to Do When Your Man is Acting Raggedy
The first thing you must do if your man is raggedy is to acknowledge his behavior. Don’t hide and pretend like what he’s doing isn’t hurting you. It might seem easier to live in denial if there are other things about him that you really enjoy, like if he looks really good, makes you laugh or if the sex is great. But don’t be blinded to the truth.
Secondly, speak up about it. If you don’t, you are now complicit in his behavior. Speaking up for yourself doesn’t mean walking away necessarily, it simple means you’re putting all of the cards on the table and expressing how you feel about his actions.
Deflect his projections. A lot of men with raggedy behavior are really good at making you feel bad, and convincing you that the problems in the relationship or his acting out are your fault.
Don’t fall for it.
It’s happened to me before with someone that I really loved, and I almost couldn’t believe that I fell for it, but he sounded so convincing. He had almost convinced me that I had trust issues because he was seeing his ex-girlfriend behind my back. But what I realized was how incapable he was of handling the arrows of my pain and hurt caused by his behavior.
Lastly, be bold enough to make the decision to cut him loose and walk away. This is obviously a lot more complicated if you’re married or if there are children involved. Some relationships can be salvaged, as long as you choose to work it out from a place of love and not out of the fear of being alone or not wanting to date again. A lot of women stay with raggedy men because they don’t want to meet someone new, experience loneliness or sit with the fear that comes up when you think you might be alone for the rest of your life. And let’s face it, dating in your 30’s, 40’s and 50’s is not the same as dating in your 20’s, so I get it. But don’t sacrifice your need for trust, security and loyalty in a relationship at the altar of fear. If this man can’t give it to you, there’s someone else who can.
Have you dealt with a raggedy man before? Leave a comment and share your experience.