February 21, 2014
So let’s talk about the post Valentine’s Day emotional pile up, shall we?
As I mentioned last week I’m not a huge fan of Valentine’s Day, however, I respect anyone who gets joy out of it. But for many, the aftermath is like a tornado that has leveled an entire town. So many women find themselves questioning their ability to be loved while others make firm determinations to make next Valentine’s Day better. If you’ve got the post Valentine’s Day blues, there’s something you can do about it.
This post Valentine’s Day week got me thinking about my own personal challenge with attracting men I want to date if our first encounter is in a large social setting. The truth is, all the men I’ve been in relationships with in my adult life I met online. I could probably count on one hand how many dates I’ve had with men I met in person first and subsequently dated.
I used to have a big hang up about this, until I realized a few things about myself: 1. the way I present myself in person upon first meeting can be misleading to men. 2. I daydream and think a lot about weighty topics so my mind wanders (not when I’m in a conversation, but before) 3. I can come across as someone who doesn’t need anyone, which is misinterpreted as disinterest.
I also chalk it up to my personal style, which in the past was often incongruous with who I was as a person. My look is simple, I hate shopping and I’m not into fashion. I pick clothes that look decent and I keep it moving, although this is shifting for me and I recently enlisted the help of a stylist. Now, that’s not to say that I don’t take care of myself or care about the way I look because I do. But keeping my look simple is often interpreted by men as conservative. And many have thought that about me…until we actually had a conversation.
After my last big break up, I was in a tailspin and looking for some direction, so I went to church. At that time I was also having a spiritual crisis and wasn’t sure what I believed, so going to church was big for me. But I grew up in the church, so it was comforting on some level. While at church, there was a man who sat behind me, and after the service he approached me and we started talking. I could already tell by his conversation that he was making a lot of assumptions about me, mainly that I was a conservative, demure, Christian woman. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any of these qualities or characteristics, they just don’t describe me.
He took my number and asked me out on a date. I knew we wouldn’t be a good fit but he was nice enough, so I said yes. While on our date, about 20 minutes into the conversation I could feel his perspective about me starting to shift, I almost felt bad for him. Needless to say, we parted ways amicably and never saw each other again.
So what does all of this have to do with you? Take a close look at yourself and keep going if love is what you seek. Whether it shows up tomorrow or in 5 years, this is a worthwhile path. I am such a different person now than I was even a year ago, and while I don’t doubt that I could’ve made a marriage work in the past, now that I’ve done the emotional, spiritual and mental heavy lifting of my own healing work, I know that the men I attract and meet now are a much better fit for me in the long-term. My journey has not been easy, but it has brought me to an incredible opening that I’m so grateful for.
What’s come up for you post Valentine’s Day and how are you handling it? Leave a comment and share your thoughts.