What to Do When Men Say Things They Really Don’t Mean

April 18, 2014


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We’re talking about dating and men live and in person on Monday, May 5th. Join us!

There’s still time to get your tickets for the Right Fit Dating event in NYC coming up on Monday, May 5th. There will also be a pre-event called Why He Never Called You back. I’m going to reveal why men don’t call back and what to do about it, so don’t miss it! Get your tickets here.

What to Do When Men Say Things They Really Don’t Mean

Sometimes men make promises they don’t keep. Sometimes men say things spontaneously in the moment, getting your hopes up about a future he has no real intentions of creating with you. Men say a lot of things in the moment, but it doesn’t mean he’ll necessarily keep to it in the long run.

I think a big difference between men and women is that men have the ability to say things in the moment, and for that moment truly believe it. But once it passes, he’s moved on and so have his feelings. Men typically say things they really don’t mean when they are are dating or in pseudo-relationships with women they like, but don’t see a future with long-term. He likes you, but not enough to really pursue or marry you. Honestly, I don’t even think all men who say things they don’t mean do it maliciously, but they don’t realize the affect it has on a woman.

You can’t control what men say, especially in the heat of the moment, but you can control how you respond, the emotional investment you make and what you make his words mean. Many women get caught up in foolishness with men who aren’t right for them, because they want to believe his every word without it being backed up by consistent action. Love can be whimsical and make you down right delirious and crazy sometimes, but you’ve got to guard your heart and exercise some wisdom and discernment before making a full emotional investment in a man. But being discerning is not the same as being skeptical or untrusting, so allow yourself to see the distinction.

I once dated a man on and off for a few years, and boy did I learn this lesson the hard way. I liked everything about him, he was attractive, charismatic and a great cook. But he also said lots of things about how he felt about me and our potential for a relationship that never came to fruition.

At first I was so desperate to believe him. I knew he wasn’t consistent and we didn’t see each other often, but I just knew he’d come around. Then, I eventually told myself he’s great in the moment and allowed myself to just have that without making it mean something else. So I would have these marathon dates with him, but kept my feelings and emotions at bay (this was only after pouring my heart out to him on several occasions in the past).

And you know what happened?

The more honest I got with myself, and the more I allowed myself to enjoy his company in the moment, I finally got tired of him and let it go. I didn’t make myself crazy or beat myself up about spending time with a man who didn’t want a relationship with me, I took it for what it was and let it go when I was ready.

When a man tells you things or makes promises, pay attention to him and make sure his words line up with his actions. And if he’s shouting from the rooftops how much he loves you and it’s only date #3, take a step back. You aren’t required to have a response to everything he says. Sometimes an “I’m so glad you shared that with me” will suffice.

When men really want to be with you, they don’t need to rush, and bottom line: his actions need to line up with his words before you make too much of an emotional investment in the relationship.

Has a man ever said something to you he really didn’t mean? Leave a comment, I’d love to hear from you.

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  1. Chassy says:

    My boyfriend has been talking about marrying me for almost 2 years and it’s always some excuse when the time comes. We have set about 3 different dates but nothing. We’ve talked about moving in together but nothing. I love him but as I’m writing this, I’m starting to feel so stupid for believing his lie for this long.

  2. Sarah says:

    After a miscarriage whilst I was very emotional, my husband said we could try again, it was also mentioned in the weeks that followed but when it came down to it, he said the truth was he didn´t want to. I know I´ll always regret not trying again and he is adamant about this.

  3. Carrie says:

    Dated a man for 2 months and things were so perfect. After a month and a half, he told me he was in love with me and he loved me. He would ask me questions about where I wanted to get married. I thought we were on the same page. Two weeks later he broke up saying he didn’t have the same feelings as me, he didn’t love me and wasn’t in love with me. He said he felt pressured. He also said he needed to focus on his kids and finances. About 2 weeks later, he’s already ding someone else. I was devastated and left heart broken. I thought I had found the one.

    • Trenia says:

      I’m really sorry that happened to you. I think this is one of those examples of why taking your time to get to know someone is really important, regardless of what they tell you. The reality is he was still revealing himself to you, so he was just showing you who he really was. I know it hurts, but better to find out now than 2 years from now.

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