When Exes Get Married

May 2, 2014

 

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frustrated at computer

 

When Exes Get Married

Can we talk about the borderline soul crushing experience that is finding out that your ex is getting married?

Woosah. (Insert Om chant here).

I was talking to a friend the other day, who recently found out her ex-boyfriend is engaged to be married. Even though she was the one who ended the relationship (he really had no business in a long-term relationship with anyone), not only did it hurt, but it bothered her that he’s getting married before her. That’s just real talk.

So it got me thinking about my own exes, and how I would feel if I found out one of them was getting married?

When I was a teenager, I had the biggest crush on this guy who was 7 years older than me. We never “dated”, but we spent a good amount of time together and I was intoxicatingly in love with him for years, and I do mean years. I thought it would just be a matter of time before he realized I was the one for him.

Skip to the end, he did not realize I was the one for him.

I remember the soul crushing day I found out he got married; I felt like I got hit by a bus. And the interesting thing was I hadn’t spoken to him in a few years and I thought I was completely over it. But that didn’t stop my heart from reacting the way that it did.

Fast forward a few years, I’m in the best relationship I’d ever been in, and I came across pictures of my old crush on the internet.

Okay, what had happened was somebody mentioned his name to me and I Googled him. But that’s neither here nor there.

I was so triggered by the experience, that I mentioned it to my boyfriend at the time, but I told him it was a friend who Googled an old crush. But a few weeks later he busted me and knew I was talking about myself.

So what does all of this mean? Why do we get so triggered when people we’ve loved move on?

I believe it comes down to the loss of a dream, especially if it was a long-term relationship or someone in whom you made a hefty emotional investment. I also believe it leaves you feeling like you’re not good enough. It makes you wonder what the other woman had that you didn’t that made him want to commit to her and not you. What made him choose her? And depending on your age or how foreboding you are, you start wondering if any man will ever choose or love you. It can all be a very long spiral into a deep, dark place.

But if you can come out of your emotions for a minute and look at the bigger picture, you might discover a few things:

1. Just because he got married doesn’t make him a good man or the best man. It just means that he found someone to put up with his foolishness.
2. Him getting married doesn’t mean he’s changed or gotten any better
3. Maybe he did become a better, commitment-minded man. But so what? If he didn’t choose you, how great could he be?
4. The world will keep spinning and your time will come

One word of caution: Women put too much emphasis on what it means if a man doesn’t choose her or she questions her own judgement if she walks away from a man who isn’t a good match. Don’t let other people make you feel like your ex is better than you, or that it was somehow your job to keep him.

Did one of your exes get married? I’d love to hear about it. Leave a comment and share your story.

I think Vesta is the perfect way to end this post. Not because your ex will always be the one for you, as she says, but just because I like the song and I loved Vesta.

 

 

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2 Comments

  1. Dani says:

    Yes, this has definitely been a sore spot at a point in my life.

    And for me too, it was not even an ex, it was an INTENSE crush that lasted for yearsssssss. Finding out about his wedding was a gut punch dose of reality that crushed all the fantasies of “maybe one day…” and then brought up the “what if…” And if there is one feeling I hate it is regret.

    But I love your points, and am so happy that I came to many of those realizations too. I accepted that he might not have actually been the one for me, and the life that makes him happy doesn’t actually seem like what I want for my own life. It could have been a fit during our college days but maybe not now, and who knows how that could’ve played out.

    Now my motto is: If you’re happy, I’m happy for you. And I have my own happiness too….even if that isn’t in the form of a mate right now. Cuz honestly I am LOVING being single at the moment :)

    • Trenia says:

      Those realizations don’t come easy, Dani. But I’m so grateful when they do. And sometimes you just have to have a good cry and be upset about it so you can move on, let him live his life and go find your own happiness.

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