Why Being Clingy Turns Men Away & What to Do About it

August 22, 2014


What Happens after Happily Ever After?

We’ve talked to the men, now it’s time to hear from the women who have found love!

Back in July, I hosted a Men on Love panel, which was an amazing conversation about what men want and what makes them fall in love. Now we’re pulling back the curtain on some real relationships, and we’re going to find out what happens after Happily Ever After? These women are kicking butt in business and work, and they found love along the way.

Join me live in New York City on Tuesday, September 9th at 7PM for What Happens after Happily Ever After? The women on love panel. It’s going to be another hot one and is not to be missed!

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Hope to see you there!

Why Being Clingy Turns Men Away & What to Do About it

Are you clingy when dating or in relationships with men? If you are, most of that’s on you, but it’s important to acknowledge a man’s role in your problem.

I was reading an article last night about why men are turned off by clingy women. The article stated that when a man is with a clingy woman, he doesn’t believe he’ll be able to make her happy, and he doesn’t want to hang out in her insecurities. The article basically goes on to say that you can’t feel any of those emotions like clingy, needy or insecure, otherwise the man will pick up on it, and he’ll be turned off by you. The solution presented was learning how to communicate with men so that they’ll listen.

Herein lies the problem.

It starts by thinking that it’s solely your behavior that makes men turned off by clingy behavior. Nobody’s talking about men’s pathology in relationships, and quite frankly it’s starting to tick me off. Sure, you can work on not being so clingy, which we’ll talk about momentarily, but men need to address their fear of being in a relationship when they can’t solve the problem. The second problem is women are taught to work around a man’s insecurities, and if she doesn’t, she’s accused of being emasculating or unfeminine. So you’re supposed to work around his issues, but he doesn’t work around yours.

Men are taught that how ever they show up and respond in romantic situations is normal, rational and should be accepted by any woman that wants to be with him. While women are taught to be preemptive; she’s supposed to know what a man is feeling and what he’ll do in any given romantic situation, so that she can be ready with an “appropriate” response. But just because a man has a certain reaction to clingy behavior, doesn’t make it the right one.

You were probably taught that a man’s behavior in a relationship is contingent upon his response to what you say or do, and that is so problematic.

Where is the man’s sense of agency?

This is what stresses women out in relationships, and it only adds fuel to the fire, causing her to feel even more clingy. A woman doesn’t want to lose a man in whom she’s already made such a hefty emotional investment.

That’s what happens when you focus too much on the other person in a relationship, especially in the dating phase. You get so worked up over doing things just right so that he’ll want to be with you, that you feel stressed out and can’t relax, therefore unable to be yourself on a date. The constant worry and stress of needing to do things just right so that a man won’t lose interest is no fun, not to mention exhausting.

Now here’s the truth: some men are hard-headed and you can’t make them do a damn thing. And no matter how much I believe men need to focus on their own reasons for being turned off by a woman’s clingy behavior, it doesn’t mean their going to do it.

But I believe it’s important for you to understand that clingy behavior, which is so often demonized, is not just your doing. You’re dating in a world that gives men the home court advantage. It’s not fair, but I don’t want you to obsess and worry over the fact that it’s not fair. I just want to acknowledge it so that you don’t feel like you’re crazy for being clingy with certain men.

Now, with all of that being said, what do you do if you feel clingy?

The most important thing you can do is understand why you feel the need to hold on so tightly to a man.

So let’s break this down a little bit. The questions you need to be asking yourself are why do you want to hold on to a person so tightly that you just met or haven’t known that long? Does he remind you of someone? What did he do or what happened on the date that triggered your clingy behavior? Try not to judge or harshly punish yourself for your answers, just make a note of what comes up for you. The simple act of being conscious of your own behavior changes things.

Being clingy is a turnoff, but not a death sentence. Learn to embrace this part of yourself so you can understand it and give it what it needs.

Are you clingy in relationships? How do you deal with it? Leave a comment and share your experience.

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One Comment

  1. Fey says:

    I’ve had two bad start of relationships as I got clingy
    They ran away
    I hate it

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