What Do You Do When You Love Someone You Can’t Have?

September 26, 2014

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Have you ever loved someone you couldn’t have?

Every time I watch Scandal, that’s the question that comes up for me, and last night’s season premiere was no different. Fitz will do something ignorant or juvenile, Olivia will put up with it, then try to walk away, but go back to him. Some people were talking on social media last night about how they’re tired of Olivia and Fitz’s relationship, but no matter how crazy Olivia and Fitz get, I can’t quit them. Not yet.

But isn’t that how relationships go sometimes? Especially when you’re in love with someone you can’t have. You know the best thing for you to do is walk away, let it go and move on, but that’s often easier said than done.

And sometimes there’s a bigger lesson to be learned. Sometimes, those men you need to cut the cord with have come into your life to teach or show you something important.

Are you paying attention?

To date, I’ve been in love with 4 men, but none of them turned out to be the one. Sure, there have been other men along the way, but they all paled in comparison to these 4 men. And as hard as this is for me to admit, each of the 4 walked away from me in the end.

And here’s the tricky part: I still love ALL of them.

Not in an obsessive, think about them daily, wanting them to come back, kind of way. But each of them carries a special place in my heart.

I ran into my first love about a year ago, and now he’s married with two kids. I thought it would be uncomfortable to be around him, but it wasn’t. When I first saw him, I had a brief moment of old feelings rushing back, and then I smiled at him. We had a moment, just a moment, when we simultaneously remembered the fun we had and the possibility of a relationship between us that died ages ago. And then it was over.

My cross to bear when it comes to men, love and relationships is that I’ve experienced being with good, attractive (to me) men. And the fact that many women have not had that kind of experience with men is not lost on me. I also never once took any of those men for granted, and it broke my heart each time it was over.

Now I’m incapable of settling for anything less than what I’ve already had. No matter what society or some of these dating and relationship “experts” said I couldn’t get or didn’t deserve as a fat, black, outspoken woman; my love experience told me otherwise. I was in love with 4 great guys who treated me well, and I knew they were great when they were in my life. The cross is having known and experienced love with good men, and not having any room in my life for anything else.

I have seen up close and personal some of the horrible, ugly things men can do to women and girls. But those 4 men showed up just when I needed them to, and they helped me keep the faith that there were good men out there. You might be skeptical of men or think that all men cheat or all men are dogs, I understand. I’ve had my fair share of negative experiences with men over the years that could’ve completely turned me off. But even though my relationships with those great guys didn’t ultimately lead to a walk down the aisle, my experience with them kept me from feeling like there were no good men out there.

Have you ever loved a man you couldn’t have? Or maybe you just want to talk about the season 4 premiere of Scandal. Either way, leave a comment and share your thoughts.

If you find yourself in love with a man you can’t have, ask yourself what’s in it for you? It’s not enough to keep beating yourself up about how stupid you feel for loving someone that you can’t be with, that will get you absolutely nowhere. You’ve got to take it a level deeper than that to find out what’s really going on. What’s life trying to show you? What’s the lesson?

You can learn something from loving someone you can’t have, and use the experience to your benefit. That’s what I’d tell Olivia Pope.

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