October 3, 2014
“You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife.”
That was one of the comments left on a Facebook thread about Amber Rose and Whiz Khalifa’s divorce. Aside from the fact that this statement wield’s Amber’s sexuality as a weapon against her and lays the blame at her feet, not her cheating husband, It was a callous and ignorant thing to say. But it got me thinking about something else: relationships and marriage are not a panacea for what’s not working in your life.
As a single woman, you probably spend a lot of time thinking about how much better you believe your life will be once you’re in a relationship, and all of the cool stuff you’ll no longer have to do alone.
But here’s the truth: whoever you are being as a single woman, is who you will be as a woman in a relationship. That means all of those quirks and habits that you have now, you’re still going to have them when you meet the right man.
What they don’t tell you about love and relationships, is if you go into it with the aim being to fix something about yourself or the other person, those issues will only be magnified in the relationship and you will be disappointed. So all of those feelings and thoughts you have about not being good enough or feeling broken or defective in some way because you’re still single, are more pronounced in relationships.
Do you get that?
How you show up and do things in your single life are just a preview of coming attractions in your married life.
Things don’t just turn into candies and roses because you finally got the guy.
If you’re afraid of being alone, that fear will still be there when you’re in a relationship. Baggage from your past that hasn’t been addressed puts a strain on relationships, and not dealing with it or figuring out how to get your own needs met will travel with you. That’s why folks can’t stay together; thinking that a relationship is supposed to fix it.
Ask yourself this question: who do I want to be in my future relationship?
Once you have the answer, be about the business of becoming that person now. If you’re fantasizing about how you’ll workout everyday and go on exotic trips, start doing that now. If you think about the peace of mind you’ll have because you’ll no longer be stressed or worried about meeting the right man, start cultivating a peaceful mind and heart.
Now, I don’t believe that all of your issues have to be worked out before you can meet the right person. That being said, use the gift of the time that you have right now as a single woman to get to the heart of what’s eating you, so that you won’t have to deal with it when you have a husband and two kids clamoring for your time and attention.
This is what I know for sure: 2 big parts of healthy, loving relationships are about giving and selfless acts.
You have to be on that person’s team and love them, especially when you don’t feel like it. But if you’re still nursing that emotional or mental wound from when you were 7 years old, this is going to be really hard to do, because kids are selfish. That’s not a bad thing it’s just a part of their development. But if the 7 year old version of yourself is running your love life, you need to take the helm and let her go play.
Remember this: relationships don’t fix the problem, you do.
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